You Need Me, I Don't Need You...

About two weeks back our house was broken into. Preethy and I were at our home towns for the weekend. She was the first to come home. The main door was smashed, the whole house was a mess. Clothes from our cupboard were strewn everywhere. Poor girl had to sit in the house alone for 3 hours before anyone else came. My train also decided to be 2 hours late. She called me to ask when I'll be reaching. She was pissed and had been crying, her personal laptop was stolen. We all know how we feel about our own laptops. Most of us buy it during our MBAs. From notes to movies to all our memories in photos and videos and endless songs... Sure you may have created backups, but unfortunately you can't make backups to your relationship with your first laptop, it knows all your secrets.

There are a lot of times where I can use the word 'nightmare' to describe that day. But the biggest was entering our room to see Preethy sitting at the edge of the bed looking at the all the clothes piled at the floor. She looked helpless, angry and scared all at the same time. All our drawers had been opened. It felt like a form of violation. I could only remember this strip from Calvin and Hobbes.

Anyways, it has been two weeks since that incident. We went to the police station to file an FIR, but there has been no leads. They were sympathetic, but not too hopeful. Preethy has gone home again this weekend and I'm alone for the first time since that incident. Its not like I haven't lived alone before. I pride myself to be independent and love the times when I can just kick back with a book and not have to feel obligated to entertain anyone. But in times like these you come to realise how much you reach out to people around you. When you feel scared of opening the door at night after office, or take a sigh of relief just to see everything locked as I had left it. Even during a coffee break in the evening, my mind was constantly trying to remember whether I had locked everything proper or not.

In these times you sometimes lose the independent streak and want to hold on to someone. Doesn't matter if they are family, a friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend. Doesn't even matter whether they are physically strong or braver than you or not. Just somebody who you could wait outside their office to go home together. Someone who agrees to keep watch with you at night and ends up falling asleep holding you so you know you are not alone. Even though, at a sound of anything creepy at night, would scream the shrillest.

Its funny when you pursue your adult life trying to stand on your feet, only to fall towards someone at the first glance of trouble.

Losing my religion

Being an atheist in India is not easy as it looks. In a country where wars are raged on religion, region, it’s harder to be an atheist. You are born into a family, with a mom and dad (hopefully) who got married with religion being the first on the check list of selection by their families. So it is obvious what you are going to be ingrained in it right from the start.

I know a lot of highly religious and conservative families with their kids being made to blindly follow the same. It’s hard to leave something like that, consciously, when you had been easily accepting the same faith, no questions asked. The few who questioned (including me) were quickly told that that is how everyone behaves in this world, the society, the country, your neighbor etc, etc. Losing your faith, becoming a nasstik, more than shocking, disappoints your parents. They wonder where they went wrong, maybe they should’ve pushed you more, made you attend more poojas instead of letting you watch Hollywood movies and songs, which they believe is where we got the idea from. Worse, they are petrified that you just might get lured by the devious set of fanatics who try and push every person they meet to convert to their faith.
Faith, it’s funny how we keep it synonym to religion. When you lose your religion, people believe that you have really lost your faith in the world. Depressed, angry at humanity, you are just moving around from moment to moment with no purpose whatsoever. Which is amusing, since I have asked on a number of occasions to religious people what is the purpose of life and have only received either vague short answers, or long lectures…which are vague too.

I believe, and I may be wrong since I haven’t really researched on this much yet, that faith is what you expect out of everyone else. Your faith on a higher being, therefore, is your belief that every good is rewarded and every bad punished. Your duty therefore is to be good and good things would happen to you. But what is good?

What is defined as good in this world? Now this is when it gets confusing. Is it what is taught by our parents? Or written in your religions scriptures? Or something that is a part of you already?
You see, since I was young I get this really bad scare inside, muscles freezing, sleepless nights, when I would do something that I think was wrong. Sometimes I would ignore it, and sometimes, I would try to rectify it (and that is another story!). I would think that it is because of what was taught to me what my parents have ingrained in my mind since childhood that creates such panic. It’s funny that I would be made to question this while reading a Ken Follet novel.

‘The Third Twin’ is based on a very common argument which has been ongoing for years, nature vs. nurture. Two people (or rather eight in this novel) with the same looks, same DNA by the same biological parents but with different parents teaching them about life become different people. But when the good guy is given temptation that with no hang-ups, no strings attached, no one to know, would he still be good? And if yes, what made him so? His upbringing, the DNA in his body, God, or himself?

The thought is still scary. Try an imagine a 24-year-old, who has lived her entire life believing that someone is watching over me, someone who would give me back for all the good deeds I have done in my life, and the so called karma would bite people’s ass who did wrong. Imagine telling that person that there is none looking, no one keeping tabs. The good deeds that you did were just good deeds, and the bad things that happened, there will be no respite, no judgment day to punish the wrongdoers in this world. You decide, as an individual how you want to carry on.

Most people can’t pin point where the good comes from, in the same way, no one can detect the bad qualities. Yeah we can point it to our past bad experiences, family struggles, evil deeds shoved on you that makes you a lot of person that you are. But what about the rest?

In this deeply religious country, it is even more difficult to work and not cringe when every time your part of job is delayed because so-and-so person was off for a religious retreat. I remember during my first fairly important and big project, there were about thirty activity reports to be taken by my administration girl. It’s an extremely difficult job, but has to be done every day as the clients need to stay updated about it. In the middle of all the work, she declares that she needs an off for 8 days for Ganesh pujan. Now, I don’t have anything against people’s religion, but at the same time wonder how much work and productivity we lose everyday due to it.

Funny thing is, I always liked to be different from everyone else. Whether it was my rock music fixation in school, rebellion in college, or choosing advertising as my profession, I always wanted to be different from my peers. This is one time when I have all the facts to choose otherwise, my hands tremble at the thought of letting go of the last string of any religious belief that I have in me. I would rather proclaim myself a lazy agnostic, or a humanist (it is also a religion, Google it), than announce my lack of belief in religion, especially to my parents. To think I’d disappoint them, after all these years of heartbreak… more than that, to realize that everything that happens to me is by my own deeds and how it fits within the universe that would be responsible for my future. No wait for karma, or any knight in shining armor to save me, except myself.