In the memory of...

I remember the day I heard about you, for the last time. There were tears of course, you must be laughing about them I know, but I couldn't help it. But it wasn't the tears because you left, it was my regret tears. Regret about never trying to keep in touch with you, never trying to hold you back from everything wrong that you did, of never holding you together, even with words, the way you did.

I felt like I used you, and then discarded and moved on to a life that I always wanted to live. Leaving you behind, even though you never asked for it. I know you were proud, so was I. But that doesn't make any of us more sensible.

I miss you sometimes. Sometimes, days go by and I never think about you. And some days I cannot stop thinking about you. I wish you were here, and this stupid thing never happened. Not with me, but just here, in this universe. I wish someday I would wake up and my best friend would call me and tell me another stupid thing you're doing in our hometown.

That's another thing, because of you, I'm scared to go back now. I'm scared that you're memory will suddenly jump up from somewhere; the bus stop, the lake, my terrace, my stairs. It would hit me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from drowning. That would make you laugh, wouldn't it? That would make you say, Nishtha, you little girly girl!

I wish I could see your smile again. The way you hated being photographed, remember how I ran behind you, around and around for a stupid video clip until you finally bowed? You never got angry, no matter what I would tell you.

You hurt me so much, but I miss that too, because at that time I could at least feel it.

I hope you found all your answers now, Rest In Peace (30 April 1988- 26 July 2010)

Thoughts keep me up at night...

So yesterday the final verdict of Bhopal Gas Tragedy came in. The media went crazy (as usual) saying a lot of gibberish that didn't make any sense. I don't want to make any comments about what was right or what was wrong. I've not been familiar with the entire score of the happenings, nor do I want to pretend that I know. My family came to Bhopal about six years after the mishap, and therefore it never really touched me.

But something about all the proceedings that went on yesterday made me sad. I started to read a bit about it, some people were crying foul, some said the case wasn't strong enough, blah blah blah. But nothing made that feeling any better.

The thing is this, how much do you pay for your life? What do your lungs cost? Have we ever thought about it? The newspapers said that 470 million dollars have been paid for damages. The number of people affected is approximately around 5.72 lakhs. I'm not even assuming that the actual victims will get the money, or if the number of them is higher or not. Even with the same number, it's somewhere around forty thousand rupees per person. Forty thousand for your eyes, your kidneys...your organs.

If that still means nothing, think of the people who are still suffering from the side effects. What do they consider as a punishment for people responsible for it? Do parents who see their children suffer every single day consider two years (and actually just 2 hours, they got out by bail) enough for them?

Again I have to say that I'm not pin pointing on anything, not the judiciary, not the system or the case or whatever. I consider these discussions endless and nothing ever comes out of it. I'm just feeling sad and trying to get this out of me.

I love this place... I don't love this place... I love this place...

Nine months down the line... or I can say a small string that I have to constantly walk on... and I'm confused. This place has given me so many things, taught me so much, well... maybe more than I wanted to know. I agree that it's better than getting depressed and obese in Bhopal, or job hunting in Delhi, definitely better than doing nothing, but I'm not sure doing EVERYTHING was what I had in mind when I joined SIMC. As I've mentioned before, I was warned about it. Sometimes it just feels that whatever I'm doing... will it actually help?

So here's counting down 5 best and worst things that I face everyday

BADS

5. The food: It's good, it's okay, it's horrible

4. People: Aside from seeing them everyday, now new problem... 'jhelo' them everyday too!

3. Bangalore: I'm pretty sure I'm never going to live here after this gets over. (Although I said the same about Delhi!!)

2. The 'ASSIGNMENTS': Some are okay, most don't make sense, almost all we copy paste

1. The BAD Faculty: Most of this sem, I've only attended the lectures for the attendance, and the entire time I think, I could've done this so much better. We have it all, the PHDs who have never seen a world outside books, the so called know-it-alls, the ppt readers, the monotoners etc etc. (Advice to them: Please get laid!! FAST!!!)

GOODS

5. Advertising- Not something that was like my childhood dream or anything, but I like it!

4. Friends- They are the perfect combination for me. I love you guys!!!

3. Meeting- I never thought it would happen to me. Me, of all the people in the world who've spent their entire lives looking for this. (Not gonna explain any further ;))

2. First Internship- It was the best thing that has happened to me till now. When people tell you that whatever work you've done has been invaluable, and when you see the results of your hard work, it's worth all the shit that you have done.

1. Knowledge- Okay, may sound cliched, but that why I'm here.

Some days I wanna kill myself. Like literally tear my heart out and eat it up!! And some days, I wonder what kind of a person I'll become at the end of two years. And the there are days, when your efforts are appreciated, you ask the right question, or give the right answer, you make something that you know is AWESOME!! It's for those days that I'm still here.

And I'm still here...

Cricket... What can I say???

The reason why I'm writing this post, is bcoz almost everyone in my family has written about it. My sis runs a pretty famous website www.sillymaidon.com (do need to check, unless you already have or... well, u R my sis!!) One of the best, and my cousin, who writes an even famous one. Then dad got into it, and its now a thing... that does not include me... that makes me mad!!!(oh I was a pampered child, screw u!!!)

Neways, I'm here to write what cricket has been for me. See, I've been watching it since I can remember. There would be hardly any India match that I've missed, especially when I'm at home. When I was young, frankly I never enjoyed them much, they seemed slow, and I preferred tennis over it. They bored me a bit, well a lot at times.

So why did I watch it?? I loved the look on dad's and di's face when they were watching it. Whenever there used to be a wicket or a six, I would turn and look at them smile. I loooved the conversations, the stories dad would tell that he'd experienced when he was a teenager watching cricket.

I loved the fact that for that 6 hours, I was absolutely in sync with my family. I would feel a different kind of bond with them, something that is harder to explain but seems like a flow when I feel it.

Now, cricket is a remembrance of that, when I'm not at home. I love it whenever there is a match going on and di's first msg on chat is, 'Score dekha kya?'. Of course, it is also about the spirit of the game, coz according to me, there is no other team that has the same spirit as the Indian team!!

Go Blues Go!!!

Didnt see this coming!!!

So, I was talking to this guy from school the other day, and he asked me whether I was in touch with anyone from school anymore. I said except for Shilpa and Abhishek, who are still like my best frnds ever, noone. And he was VERY shocked. That got me thinking to all the times of my school life, and grads and then now, doing MBA.

Believe it or not, I feel that school was the worst time of my life. Coz except for my 2 bffs, around everyone else, I pretended to be someone I wasnt. This geek of a girl, waiting for someone to notice me, trying to be nice all the time. Shilpa left school after 10th grade for kota, and abhishek... well, we used to fight more and talk less! Even he would agree that I'm anything but the girl from school.

I hated school, where I was constantly trying to get attention of people towards me, so pretending to be this really sweet and nice girl. I'm not saying I'm evil or something, but honestly, I don't always think pleasant thoughts about people in my mind!!

Grads was bad coz of... well reasons! I was still hiding sooo much there about me. But with my pg frnds, they knew me, and liked me for who i was!!! And we had loadssss of fun! And I had therefore promised myself, that I'm not going to pretend to be anyone but myself here. Coz it'll be so hard, living like someone else 24*7. And till now, it has worked out fine!

The funny thing is, this 'I Hated School' thing, didnt hit me until tonight!!mmmmm

Miss Techno Queen!!!

I hate computers, calculators, pretty much anything that says, 'Leave all your work to me!!!' Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly the hardworking kinds... It's just that, I've never trusted computers(and everything related to it) in my life. Any story, any part of novel, I would first write in my diary, spoil a hundred pages on editing and re-editing, and then type it(maybe).

But here, with a personal laptop, and absolutely no time, one has to give in. The notes, assignments, ppts to study, ebooks, movies... all the solutions were in it. I've started to spend so much time with it, it feels as though I'm dating my laptop now.(Ohh!!! Acer darling! I love your pretty blue cover...*blush!!)

So imagine my sense of loss, when yesterday afternoon, my internet goes *BOINK!! 'I burn, I perish!' I'm using other people's computer for, well, checking mails, facebooking and writing about this incident on my blog... phew!!! How hard is life!!

And life sucks....

I miss my pg. I really do... I miss the dirty room, which I never cleaned, I miss the cockroaches, the mice crawling around. And I miss the fights, Oh! how I miss the fights!!!!

So the other day, my ex-roomie called and told me that they had a fight over a plate... a PLATE!!! That's what girls do, they want to feel liked and loved and bitched about, coz if people bitch about them, that means that others are jealous. They like to take sides, form 'groups', that's what they do, to feel good about themselves.

I miss the fights, people don't fight here. They act like adults, when they don't like people, they ignore...IGNORE!!!! That's right, they stop talking. Dude, we can do better than that. Life is boring, and confusing and I have too much time to think... I hate this place!!!!!

P.S.- I started on this new hobby of mine... Cribbing!!!!