In the memory of...

I remember the day I heard about you, for the last time. There were tears of course, you must be laughing about them I know, but I couldn't help it. But it wasn't the tears because you left, it was my regret tears. Regret about never trying to keep in touch with you, never trying to hold you back from everything wrong that you did, of never holding you together, even with words, the way you did.

I felt like I used you, and then discarded and moved on to a life that I always wanted to live. Leaving you behind, even though you never asked for it. I know you were proud, so was I. But that doesn't make any of us more sensible.

I miss you sometimes. Sometimes, days go by and I never think about you. And some days I cannot stop thinking about you. I wish you were here, and this stupid thing never happened. Not with me, but just here, in this universe. I wish someday I would wake up and my best friend would call me and tell me another stupid thing you're doing in our hometown.

That's another thing, because of you, I'm scared to go back now. I'm scared that you're memory will suddenly jump up from somewhere; the bus stop, the lake, my terrace, my stairs. It would hit me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from drowning. That would make you laugh, wouldn't it? That would make you say, Nishtha, you little girly girl!

I wish I could see your smile again. The way you hated being photographed, remember how I ran behind you, around and around for a stupid video clip until you finally bowed? You never got angry, no matter what I would tell you.

You hurt me so much, but I miss that too, because at that time I could at least feel it.

I hope you found all your answers now, Rest In Peace (30 April 1988- 26 July 2010)